The Noggles Journal

Happy Birthday Tara!

2005-09-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

A very happy birthday to Noggles' mom... without her, there would be no Noggles!

Life is Good

2005-07-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

Greetings,

I went home after a busy day working out in the field with client appointments. I relieved John of Chase care and drove with my son to the Stanford Shopping Mall to stroll and get some fresh air. It was late afternoon on a brilliantly sunny and lush summer day. The temperature was in the high 70's with a warm breeze. I was thrilled to have Chase as a date to enjoy this gorgeous day.

I was suddenly struck by a semi familiar sound of a helicopter nearing, descending, hovering and, preparing to land. I became aware of its purpose. For me, everything stopped for a moment, all thoughts and actions. I remember the first time I experienced a life flight landing at Stanford Hospital. It was an increasingly loud, fast paced, low pitched, vibrating noise. I inquired what it was for I could not see it, with a nurse at Chase's bedside while my son lay there healing from his first open heart surgery. Its' impact is profound to me. These helicopters represent life and death. There is a life to be saved right here and right now by some doctors, or organ donation, or blood transfusion, or something, or someone!

What is a persons life I wondered. I imagined it is the seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling human being that exists today as we know them disappearing from contact. We are made up of our perceptions of what we sense is going on around us. How our life happens or we happen to it is all locked up inside that person. We can no longer share our lives with people if they die.

I do think of my mortality everyday since I met Chase. There is a thin line between life and death. I received a gift on March 1st 2004. My son came to me as a teacher. He is the embodiment of all the senses I imagine to make up a living person. I am fascinated to watch him discover his surroundings. He depends on his senses to explore his world. Most people do not do that because they do not need to for survival, do not care, or sadly do not have the time to do so. Chase has slowed me down some and showed me to take more time to experience the right here and now with him. If we naturally, as babies, only experience here and now, why don't we use or senses to guide us all the time?

We are a present to give and receive after being born. In order to accept that gift with each other we have to remain immersed in the now and enjoy its luxury. Our time is always running out or there is not enough of it. If we are spending our time indulging in our existence then all there is, is an abundance of time, all the time.

I've seen clients in or business (all Seniors) who have spent there whole adult lives preparing to enjoy their time when retired. They make many sacrifices in order to prepare for this time while working and raising a family. They essentially pass through time, retire, and one falls ill. Then they are faced with the reality of being unable to embark toward that journey of perceived free time.

Time is always free if we make it. Now is the time to delight in our presence and those around us before there is no time.

Chase has stopped time and that is his gift for me. All I have is time because he is on limited time, I believed. And then it became crystal clear that we are all on limited time.....

Maybe we should create more of life's celebrations so that when we gather for one's departure; we will have shared an abundance of life with that person.

The best definition of love I know is: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or anothers spiritual growth." Scott M Peck

Lovingly,
Chase's aspiring student Tara

Almost One!!!!!

2005-02-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

The Baby Chase Chronicle...

It was nearly a year ago today that I met my son Chase. Mid February last year I attended a baby shower that was the groundwork for the spiritual journey of the most pure form of love I have ever encountered. That shower was held for John and I in honor of Chase's coming out or arrival. I had not yet acknowledged, although 8 and a half months pregnant, that I would actually meet my son and be given the opportunity to know his beautiful self. During my pregnancy I was filled with hope yet daunted by fear of the what ifs. I held onto each and every day getting physically and remarkably much larger with a human being growing inside of me. I was informed frequently through prenatal visits, ultra sounds, and echocardiograms that it appeared that Chase was not struggling inside of me to survive. He did not have to breathe on his own; I was doing that for him. I was also told that of the status of his prediscovered heart condition and that it remained consistent (not getting worse). I knew when I delivered him that he would die soon without immediate intervention. John and I prepared as best we knew how with a team of expert Heart Surgeons, a team of Cardiologists, medical Doctors, and loving support of our family, and friends. Chase took his first breath on March 1, 2004 which was quickly replaced with a ventilator and lots of monitors. We watched and listened to new sounds that quickly became all encompassing. There were all sorts of beeps, alarms, and penetrating breaths to digest when staring bedside. The nurses were assigned to one patient and their work was very intricate and critical in the ICU unit. Within an hour of delivering Chase they wheeled a hospital grade breast pump into my room to begin the process of getting breast milk to my son. I did this every 3 hours for months to come. I did what I had to do to get my son the liquid gold he deserved. I took to it with strong conviction because it made me feel connected to him and that I could nurture his fragile existence. I could not hold him, his eyes were shut, and he was hooked up to lots of equipment. We whispered all sorts of things in his ears, but mostly that we loved him and wanted him to come home. We humanized the environment and played Nora Jones bedside and decorated his space. He was so tiny and he laid so still all the time. I could have never imagined how gut wrenching the time while he was at the hospital would be. The days at the hospital were intense and the nights at home without him were empty. I found that I had to live my life despite circumstance and found the ability to laugh when I felt I should cry. I bonded with my husband, I connected to other families and their traumas, and I realized that this was my life and I was not alone. I experienced real compassion for the first time in my life. Chase was at the hospital for 6 long weeks and then he was released. Homelife was quiet compared to the hospital without monitors. I sensed a level of peace had come over Chase. Our son's heart condition did not consume me at home. In a way, I did not think about it much at all. I realized, he is a miracle and his life is completely out of my hands at this point. I have a part and that is to love him entirely and it is the most natural emotion I have ever felt.I am full when I gaze into his eyes, share a smile, watch him sleep, or listen to his expressive breath. He is a brilliant light source. He is just a baby boy discovering himself and the world around him. We spent the month of August back at the hospital for round 2 of his 3 stage surgeries. It was no easier, yet necessary.

He has blue eyes, blond hair, a gorgeous smile, a rich laugh,and two budding bottom teeth. His personality is engaging and his disposition mellow. His heart is special and so is he. I feel a tinge of sadness for those that do not have the extreme pleasure of knowing him. Chase has a brave heart that lingers in your soul!!!!!!!!!!!!! We will celebate his first birthday soon. He has forever enriched my life. He has changed my perception of what is normal. What started out as different or challenging is now normal for us.

He is the love of our lives. He is a part of me that grew inside my body for 9 months and is now so independent of me. The value of his life has impacted my life so deeply. I now know how valuable everyone's life is. Why would I not want to spend my time on Earth passionately living. I do whatever it takes to get the job done. I am walking prouder and with a sense of true purpose. Joseph Chase Coughlin is at the center of love...He is all about loving and being loved. Thank you for your support, prayers, thoughts, and kind gestures in regard to our son. He is alive
and we celebrate his life.

Love,

Chase's adoring Mama.

PS: the road less traveled is abundant with its rewards.

Our Little Angel

2004-04-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,

Joseph Chase Coughlin moved into his new home on 4-09-04. Oh what a Good Friday it was indeed to leave with him from Lucile Packard Children's Hospital(LPCH) and watch him take his first breath of fresh air.

We are so proud of our son's strength. As expected he had The Norwood Surgery on 3-4-04,(stage 1 in a series of 3). Chase seemed to progress nicely from the surgery until 3-18-04 when the doctors discovered a complication developing reguarding the repair work. He had a 2nd emergency open heart surgery on 3-20-04 to fix the development. Although it was risky, it was not as serious as the original surgery. Chase spent most of his hospital stay in the Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit(CVICU). It is open to visitors 24 hours a day, needless to say we took every advantage of this to get to know our little boy in his early days. The staff at LPCH is phenomenal in their caretaking abilities of both their patients and families. They made us feel warm and important during and after Chase's stay there. LPCH is a "HEART HOSPITAL". WE are the norm there and in the face of dealing with Chase's
heart condition we met many other families encountering similar and the same conditions with their newborns. The main difference is that the other families are from all over the world and had traveled specifically for these surgeons. We are so fortunate to live 15 minutes from the hospital!!

To date this has been the absolute hardest time either John or I has ever endured. On the flip side the amount and depth of love we are experiencing as a result of meeting our son has given the challenges we face a sense of balance. If we had been told what to expect these 7 weeks to be like emotionally, we would have been terrified to walk through them. However,showing up and doing whatever it takes is just what we as people do when necessary and maybe that is part of the beauty of life.

Words can not begin to describe how incredible it is to pass time with our little man. Unlike most new parents who take their newborns home 48 hours after delivery and adjust to the lack of sleep and neediness of baby, we waited nearly 6 weeks to experience this. Although he is a round the clock ordeal, the gratitude and joy of having him under our roof are so intense. Our 4 dogs(3 chihuahuas and a miniature pincher) got it immediately that he is top in the pecking order so to speak. Chase coos, sleeps, poops, eats, smiles,and cries. He enjoys daily stroller walks, swinging in his ocean aquarium swing, mesmerizing at his mobiles, listening to Norah Jones and various other favorites, and posing for loads of video. We are in love with him!!!!!

In celebration of Chase's life, he has opened our eyes to a new view of people. A stronger level of compassion and reguard have emerged for both of us. He is Our Little Angel- a messenger from God sent here to teach us more about living life fully.

Thank you all for your loving support of our family.
Love-John, Tara, and Chase

The Game Has Changed

2004-03-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

(by Papa, 3/04)

Who is this, my little man?
Stealing hearts is your general plan.

For you have mine, it's yours to keep...
joy is defined by watching you sleep.

I didn't know, my little Chase,
my heart would grow the moment I saw your face.

The gig is up, the game has changed...
my definition of love you've rearranged.

Life is a puzzle with moments tense,
but now that you're here it all makes sense.

Baby Chase Update

2004-02-14T16:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Family and Friends,

Well our due date has moved closer, as an induction is scheduled for February 29, 2004. There is a television in the labor and delivery room, my first concern, so the Academy Awards will not be missed this year.

We attended an incredibly awesome baby shower hosted by Erin and Jake Lyman on February 7th. There were a couple of blessings that the attendees participated in for Baby Chase. A beaded necklace was strung by the group with positive words and affirmations, contributed by all, to support our family through this process. I will wear it during labor to embrace the love behind it and let the energy flow through me and Chase.

These past few months have really helped John and I to discover what is important in our lives. Our perception of what is normal or healthy has been challenged and as a result changed. Just because you think things will be one way doesn't neccessarily mean that if they turn out differently that one way was better than the other. We have truly been forced to live one day at a time and have found more meaning and purpose in what we are doing and why. It has been particularly apparent to both of us how beautiful it is to share in the human experience of loving, both giving and recieving. We are so grateful to have everyones support.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!
LOVE TARA & JOHN

Baby Chase Needs You

2004-01-27T16:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Family and Friends,

Joseph Chase Coughlin was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) at our 16 week ultrasound appointment. Through a tremendous amount of research and soul searching, we made a decision to bring him into this world.

HLHS is a condition in which the left side of the heart is under developed. Usually, the left ventricle, the left atrium, the mitral valve and the aorta are affected. It is called a syndrome because it can encompass several different variations and varying degrees of development of these parts of the heart.

To understand HLHS it is helpful to understand how a normal baby's heart works. The heart is comprised of four chambers: the upper chambers are called the left and right atria , and the lower chambers are called the left and right ventricles.

Very simply, in a healthy heart blood flows from the right atrium to the right ventricle where it is then pumped through the pulmonary artery to the lungs to be oxygenated. Blood then flows back to the heart via the left atrium to the left ventricle, which pumps the oxygenated blood through the aorta out to the body. This is how the body's organs and tissues recieve oxygen, which is vital. When a baby has HLHS, the left side of the heart is underdeveloped so it cannot sufficiently pump the oxygenated blood out to the body.

Babies with HLHS do not have problems while in the womb - it is only after birth that their heart fails to work properly. This is because all babies recieve oxygen from the placenta while in the womb, so blood does not need to go to the lungs. In addition, there is an opening between th pulmonary artery and the aorta, called the patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) that is present in all babies. It allows the blood to go from the right ventricle out to the body, bypassing the left side of the heart.

The PDA usually closes a few days after birth, seperating the left and right sides of the heart. It is at this time that babies with HLHS will exhibit problems as they experience a lack of blood flow to the body. They may look blue, have trouble eating, and breathe rapidly. If left untreated, this heart defect is fatal - usually within the first few days or weeks of life.

Once HLHS has been diagnosed, a drug called prostaglandin is given to keep the PDA open until surgery is preformed. There are three options for an HLHS diagnosis compassionate care, or two surgical interventions: a Heart Transplant or the 3-Stage-Surgical Procedure.

We have choosen the 3-Stage- Surgical procedure, the first stage of which is called the Norwood procedure.

We do feel that we are in incredibly good hands with the medical team we have choosen to treat our boy. The expected due date is March 6th 2004. We will be delivering at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital which is part of Stanford. And from that point Chase will be admitted to their Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) to await his surgery. Surgery takes place usually between 24 to 96 hours after delivery. Approximately his first month of life will be in the NICU.

Patients from all over the country travel to Lucielle Packard to have their newborns treated with HLHS. We are 15 miles from the medical facility and feel very fortunate for that.

At 6 weeks until D-Day Chase is being monitored weekly. He is apparently thriving in the womb. His heart is strong and he is very active. John and I lay in bed at night and watch him move from side to side and press his limbs against my belly.

We are both anxious and excited as we near meeting our little boy. Your positive thoughts and prayers for Chase as he appproaches birth are deeply appreciated.

Love,
John and Tara